miserywhip: (pain)
I swear, I'm incapable of normal relationships.

I'm stuck on this, I'm hung up on it - something I can never have. People that don't actually exist. Just randomly, out of the blue, because I am unable to just move on from things. Why tonight, randomly - of all times?

I started dwelling on it, again.

You know, I heard once that people that start with 'I' in every paragraph like that are suicide risks.

I just don't understand. Why couldn't it have been me instead of him?
miserywhip: (empty)
Tommy's mother died on August 25th. Three days before his birthday.

Another funeral/memorial service I made Keenan bend over backwards to give me off, and did not attend. I was invited, I know I was wanted there but I haven't forgotten high school. He thinks he's cleaned up, he told my mother he stopped drinking and doing drugs - and in that same day bought cough syrup (which he had quit last I spoked to him) and pot.

The memorial service was supposed to be a celebration of Linda's life. It was supposed to be a happy occassion, and knowing Tommy's habits and knowing Tommy's friends- I couldn't motivate myself to go, because I know drugs and alcohol had to have been involved and I would have sat alone, silent and uncomfortable while everyone else threw a party in memory of a woman who hated her son's drug and alcohol use.

I am sick over the fact that I didn't go, and couldn't even tell him. My internet went out that day and apparently his phone number didn't save in my phone from a few days ago. He didn't call me so I doubt that I was missed, but that's not really the point. I don't know what the point is anymore... All of my oldest friends are watching their parents die, and I know that happens to everyone eventually but this is ridiculous.

Working all day Thursday and all day Friday leaves me dead by Saturday, I'm so tired of my body dictating my life. I haven't even had the energy to RP lately... If I can motivate myself, I may add to this later in a locked entry. Those of you who aren't on LJ that want to know more, contact me.


Aug. 27th, 2011 01:03 am
miserywhip: (remorse)
Hey guys.
miserywhip: (decisions)
I was briefly jealous when I made a friend who used the term 'Discarded' because I had never really thought of something so short and neat to identify myself with.

This morning I woke with a very long entry in mind. An entry that detailed a lot of things about the kind of person I am, and the type of friends I make. Of course, as I actually woke up I lost a large bulk of the beginning so I'll just stick with what I have for now.

It's all the same, you're left with what you have. )

I'm not actively healing someone right now, and I'm not taking a time out to cleanse myself. I don't even know who I am anymore.
miserywhip: (Icarus)
It's been awhile since I really updated this thing. I mean really, I think the only thing I posted was about Santo dying since April.

I've still been reading my f-list as frequently as I can. For those of you I don't keep in contact with- I use Google Chrome, and it has seriously been the worst thing to deal with over the past few weeks. I started RPing again and it is a challenge to keep myself active just because I don't have the motivation to deal with fighting with it whenever I want to get on LJ. Coming in once a week to check my f-list is one thing but being around enough to keep active and informed in RP? Yeah, this is really putting a damper on all that. I might hiatus for a bit on Monday, but I keep putting it off because I really don't want to.

This got .... really miserable, so feel free to skip it. )
miserywhip: (decisions)
Would you uproot your life and move to another city for someone that you love?

Of course, if I was able.

With the economy the way it is I'm going to stay where I have a job. But if I lost that job or could transfer. Without a doubt.
miserywhip: (Too late)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

God, there are so many things. I really don't think there's anything I want to change that badly and then I stop to consider an answer for something like this and- the floodgates open.

I wish I had seen my grandfather before his birthday, that year. I wish I had not listened to my father, gone behind his back and made a point of seeing my grandfather for February vacation. Instead I promised I'd do it for April vacation and my grandfather died in March.

Most of my biggest regrets are part of my childhood.

I wish our last conversation didn't consist of him thinking I was going to grow up to be in the porn industry. "I said photography, Grandpa." My mother tried to make me feel better by telling me that he was a perverted old man and it wasn't my fault if he didn't understand what I said. That worked until it became the last conversation I'd ever have with him.

If I could change one thing in my control though? It would be ever encouraging that one friendship. It would be ... staying through all that, no matter how many times I promised myself it wouldn't happen. I wanted to be a 'good' friend, I wanted to give a second, third, fourth chance... I never wanted to be the one to shut the door. And I wasn't.

I actually hate that more than anything. In hindsight I wish I could say I was the one that ended it. I wish I had the guts, the self-control, to say "you know what? I don't need this anymore. You need to leave me alone." But for all the letters I wrote it in, not one of them did I ever send... because I never wanted to be the hurtful person.

That was my biggest mistake through all of that, and any time I'd ever doubted it... It was proven to me all over again, when I'd least expect it.
miserywhip: (Too late)
It's time to start the countdown.
I'm gonna burn it down.
miserywhip: (and I'm starting to scare myself)
Last night I was in so much shock, I wasn't really thinking.

When they know they're your heart, and you know you were their armour )

Sam, I need to talk to you when you get a chance if you can IM me when you're on.
miserywhip: (Too late)
Whoever is talking about me behind my back - and telling people that someone cheated on me who I was never actually romantically involved with needs to stop.

If you're reading this, I don't know what the hell you're saying or what you meant to do with your words, but I have never claimed any relationship with this person that supposedly 'cheated' on me. I've made our relationship very clear to anyone I've spoken to about this so I don't appreciate rumors being spread about me.

If you have something to say to me, you can tell me.

I just ended my night, my weekend- crying in a stranger's bathroom. If you're my friend you're not doing me any favors by whatever you're saying, and I really would like to clear this up. If you're not my friend than you really need to mind your own business, and do us both a favor - forget I exist.

In other news, I had a wonderful time at the convention. Rel, thank you so much for talking me into asking Jay to dance. I had such a great time this weekend, and I really feel like I owe it all to both of you. It's too bad I have to work at 7, or I really would have spent another night in Boston.

Maybe next time.
miserywhip: (overlook)
I offered to look over a fic for a friend of mine. A friend who is capable of reading this actually, and I hope she doesn't mind the semi-abstract mention... It's always kind of amazed me the way her writing has made me reflect on my own life, made me think about things that have happened - or are happening to me.

This isn't really about her writing, it's about- what it made me think about this time, like nearly every time I ever read anything even remotely like this. It's kind of funny how so many people have that one love, the one person they don't resent finding happiness with someone else. Because their happiness is more important, because being compatible isn't even a chance. Whether because of sexuality, relationship status, location... whatever the reason.

There's that one person, that as long as they're happy- we can get by. Because their happiness is what matters, and nothing else.

So here's my letter to you. )
miserywhip: (Default)
This one just does not sit well.

We are a disturbed country, not that we didn't already know this.

What's next? Really, what's next?
miserywhip: (Default)
This post has been updated.

I forgot about it for so long I've actually accomplished a number of things on it since the last update.

Cosplay update .... sometime after I eat and finish going through old entries.


Mar. 5th, 2011 10:38 pm
miserywhip: (Default)

School posts. )
miserywhip: (tea time)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

I'm actually in the middle of debating changing it right now - but a username generally has to be two things for me to want it. 1. It has to reflect on either me, as a whole. Or the time period for which the journal was used. and 2. it should generally be lyrics or a song title. Which means more often than not, the popular ones are taken.

I really like this one, I think it reflects on me well - I like that I found lyrics from that song to use again since it is the name of my last journal as well. I already mentioned why I was considering leaving this journal so I don't think I need to explain that again.

I was actually really surprised that this name was still open when I made this journal.
miserywhip: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

Considering I watch TV at most once a week, I don't think I even need to answer this.
miserywhip: (hair)
I can't change my ways.....
... sorry, it's my fault ...

Profile. )
miserywhip: (hair)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

The worst insult I've ever received from anyone is an insult to my intelligence.

Say whatever you want about me, but if you're going to lie to me - don't be so ignorant that I see through it. Or don't be so ignorant that even though you succeeded in fooling me, you tell me later without even realizing you just gave yourself away.

It's time for a change.
miserywhip: (hair)
Hard to say what got my attention.
I won't let this build up inside of me...

And just to avoid making another post in the same five minute period.

I suppose I should make a brief warning since I have a few new people reading now, but- I guess you could say I have a bit of an obsession with death.

I like to recognize anniversaries of deaths in my family, or the birthday of a lost family member - whether people or animals. I might not post on the same day every year, I think everyone knows I get a little crazy and withdrawn on March 3rd but I believe today is actually a lesser known date.

But- if that sort of thing is going to bother you, I do have a 'death' tag for any time I make mention of a passing so you can avoid those posts if you want. It will usually just be a quick note, dates and a quick 'happy birthday' or 'I miss you' type message. Sometimes, it's a bit lengthy and more involved though... kind of like tonight.

May 27, 1914 - October 11, 2002

Why is it that high school feels closer to two years ago than the six that it really was?

Columbus Day weekend and Dan's visiting again. This time brought here because of a death instead of delayed in arriving because of one. )

I still haven't properly digested the information around Jon's death, to really post about it. Which might have something to do with me dwelling on and processing a loss I never really did this for despite it being eight years now.

but here's some rambling about current events... )

but- yeah. 6:30 am... Time for bed before I never shut up.


miserywhip: (Default)
We're just learning how to smile, and that's not e

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