miserywhip: (Default)
Incomplete list of bands. Yes, it is loooong. )
miserywhip: (decisions)
Anyone that knows me would find it hard to believe that I keep so much to myself. I'm generally honest, forward and blunt- to the point of being offensive and hurting feelings. But I've reached a breaking point, and I'm ... done.

Warning: Between sensitive topics, blunt thoughtless complaining and triggering subject matter - you might not want to read this post.

That having been said. )

Having gone off on that tear to the point of exhaustion, I am about to go sleep. I know there's more but at this point I'm too tired to try to work out the energy for it so.... bed it is.
miserywhip: (pain)
I originally planned to stop posting to my journal, because I just- can not motivate myself to be here anymore. Most people on here get to see my freak outs in real time anyway, it makes Live Journal practically obsolete in my life, outside of checking up on the friends list of people I don't speak to so often.

Honestly there hasn't been much to update. I'm not really doing much outside of the usual, working and spending time online. The usual business. Only recently has anything remotely important happened in my life, and it's not a good change - so I've put off talking about it here.

So here is my sob story. )
miserywhip: (pain)
I swear, I'm incapable of normal relationships.

I'm stuck on this, I'm hung up on it - something I can never have. People that don't actually exist. Just randomly, out of the blue, because I am unable to just move on from things. Why tonight, randomly - of all times?

I started dwelling on it, again.

You know, I heard once that people that start with 'I' in every paragraph like that are suicide risks.

I just don't understand. Why couldn't it have been me instead of him?
miserywhip: (empty)
Tommy's mother died on August 25th. Three days before his birthday.


Another funeral/memorial service I made Keenan bend over backwards to give me off, and did not attend. I was invited, I know I was wanted there but I haven't forgotten high school. He thinks he's cleaned up, he told my mother he stopped drinking and doing drugs - and in that same day bought cough syrup (which he had quit last I spoked to him) and pot.

The memorial service was supposed to be a celebration of Linda's life. It was supposed to be a happy occassion, and knowing Tommy's habits and knowing Tommy's friends- I couldn't motivate myself to go, because I know drugs and alcohol had to have been involved and I would have sat alone, silent and uncomfortable while everyone else threw a party in memory of a woman who hated her son's drug and alcohol use.

I am sick over the fact that I didn't go, and couldn't even tell him. My internet went out that day and apparently his phone number didn't save in my phone from a few days ago. He didn't call me so I doubt that I was missed, but that's not really the point. I don't know what the point is anymore... All of my oldest friends are watching their parents die, and I know that happens to everyone eventually but this is ridiculous.

Working all day Thursday and all day Friday leaves me dead by Saturday, I'm so tired of my body dictating my life. I haven't even had the energy to RP lately... If I can motivate myself, I may add to this later in a locked entry. Those of you who aren't on LJ that want to know more, contact me.
miserywhip: (and I'm starting to scare myself)
Last night I was in so much shock, I wasn't really thinking.


When they know they're your heart, and you know you were their armour )


Sam, I need to talk to you when you get a chance if you can IM me when you're on.
miserywhip: (Too late)
Whoever is talking about me behind my back - and telling people that someone cheated on me who I was never actually romantically involved with needs to stop.

If you're reading this, I don't know what the hell you're saying or what you meant to do with your words, but I have never claimed any relationship with this person that supposedly 'cheated' on me. I've made our relationship very clear to anyone I've spoken to about this so I don't appreciate rumors being spread about me.

If you have something to say to me, you can tell me.


I just ended my night, my weekend- crying in a stranger's bathroom. If you're my friend you're not doing me any favors by whatever you're saying, and I really would like to clear this up. If you're not my friend than you really need to mind your own business, and do us both a favor - forget I exist.





In other news, I had a wonderful time at the convention. Rel, thank you so much for talking me into asking Jay to dance. I had such a great time this weekend, and I really feel like I owe it all to both of you. It's too bad I have to work at 7, or I really would have spent another night in Boston.

Maybe next time.
miserywhip: (hair)
Hard to say what got my attention.
I won't let this build up inside of me...



And just to avoid making another post in the same five minute period.


I suppose I should make a brief warning since I have a few new people reading now, but- I guess you could say I have a bit of an obsession with death.

I like to recognize anniversaries of deaths in my family, or the birthday of a lost family member - whether people or animals. I might not post on the same day every year, I think everyone knows I get a little crazy and withdrawn on March 3rd but I believe today is actually a lesser known date.

But- if that sort of thing is going to bother you, I do have a 'death' tag for any time I make mention of a passing so you can avoid those posts if you want. It will usually just be a quick note, dates and a quick 'happy birthday' or 'I miss you' type message. Sometimes, it's a bit lengthy and more involved though... kind of like tonight.


May 27, 1914 - October 11, 2002


Why is it that high school feels closer to two years ago than the six that it really was?

Columbus Day weekend and Dan's visiting again. This time brought here because of a death instead of delayed in arriving because of one. )

I still haven't properly digested the information around Jon's death, to really post about it. Which might have something to do with me dwelling on and processing a loss I never really did this for despite it being eight years now.

but here's some rambling about current events... )

but- yeah. 6:30 am... Time for bed before I never shut up.
miserywhip: (all set)
I've mostly stopped using my mom's computer and just stuck with dealing with whatever music the radio has been playing.

Lately, though I've been kind of desperate for the music that helped me get by, last year at this time. And the year before it.

So, I've become a little obsessed with youtube again. I kind of want to make some playlists, but I have nothing to put them on so it would defeat the purpose until I could get a decent MP3 player or my phone to work...


At least if I start making lists I'll know what I want to put on them, when I can.

Even if by then it's June 2012... which it might be.
miserywhip: (pain)
Happy birthday, Titi.

6.1964 - 6.2009
miserywhip: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]

Um. My pets. And if I was crazy and cared about this psycho setting my house on fire, I might want to help them get out too if they needed it. But honestly, if someone is setting fire to my house, I doubt they're someone I'd be close enough to, to care whether or not they survived.

I'd open the door so that Orion could get out and then go unplug the tanks to try to save them too. I would ... cry miserably over all of my lost FMA/art/etc but- if I couldn't save them (and I probably couldn't, with how long the snake would take) then I'm not going to risk my life trying.

This is a really dumb question. Someone tell me in what situation you'd save someone who intentionally burned your house down?


All right, wake tonight so I should probably sleep soon.


I might not be around for the next few days.
miserywhip: (Default)
I finally talked to the vet today. Ran Orion's symptoms by her, and the ones we initially dismissed as just part of ... how he is. Told her what information I found online over the weekend, since they were closed, and she said to call in the morning and make an appointment. She's going to list it as a re-visit since he was already tested for thyroid before, and she's going to run a more thorough thyroid test on him this time. I ... Need to talk to her in the morning, so that she can give me the thyroid tests they have available and the price range of those tests.

The other possibility seems to be neurological issues. Which is what I was afraid of. Which is what I'm terrified of - because if it's something wrong with his brain, how many options do I have? And will I be able to afford them? They don't just ... take care of your animal and bill you if you don't have the money, they will refuse to help him, if I can't pay for it. And after searching for someone who would just put Sheba down for cheap - I know that there isn't really anyone else around here that's any better.

So. That's that. I updated my schedule. I'm not even sure when I could fit an appointment in this week, since I work every day but Thursday, and I'm going to need to sleep all day Thursday after working 13 hours on Wednesday.

But I can't say no to hours, because I'm going to need the money to get Orion seen, tested and then treated for whatever is wrong with him.
miserywhip: (hey!)
Going to Plymouth for Thanksgiving. We'll be back Friday or Saturday, but I have training at Blockbuster (as;fklasd training. I've worked for this company for four years, and I have to sit and watch videos. This is so dumb.) on Saturday, and work at Macy's on Sunday.

So, likely I won't be back to my regularly scheduled .... schedule until Sunday night.

I'll update my schedule before I leave, and when I come back, for next week.


In the mean time have fun, guys - I hope everyone who has a holiday this week is going to enjoy it.



My house is empty and animal-less. I doubt the snake would appreciate me taking him out and putting him in my lap, like I used to at Tommy's house.

Edit: Friday - 12:21. We're supposed to be home 'early' tomorrow. We'll see.
miserywhip: (casual)
I just said goodbye to .... my only actual in person, off the computer, live flesh and blood friend. He's going to London for a month, and I'm not sure he's ever left the state, nevermind the country alone.

Breathing. Okay.


I hate having to say goodbye to people when I don't actually see them leave, they just ... disappear. I hate it, it's one major flaw of the internet, you don't get to see people off. I'm very visual, very physical in that sense. When my brother left and we dropped him off at the airport it didn't bother me, I watched my mother and my sister sob and I was fine. When he left the night before he was leaving the second time. Disappeared to the void of my father's house and I could sit here and watch the clock and know, "Now is when he's sleeping. Now is when he's arriving at the airport. Now is when the plane takes off. Now is when he's probably landing." That shit destroys me.

I'm going to go back to pretending this doesn't bother me. Concern, especially for Antonio, ruins my cool indifferent image. Because ... everyone here that's seen me sob for months and melt down over nothing- you're all convinced I don't have emotions, right? Right?


The other thing I wanted to post about when I was here was that my brother changed the settings on my mom's computer so now everything is really tiny and far away looking on my desk top. He left a month ago, and I'm just noticing this now - can you tell how often I use that computer?

Also: Note to self. Moved Kip into Angel's cage, and Fucker into Kip's cage. Fed Fucker one large. Need to buy crickets for Kip.

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