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Writer's Block: Upon further review
Jun. 30th, 2011 05:22 am[Error: unknown template qotd]
God, there are so many things. I really don't think there's anything I want to change that badly and then I stop to consider an answer for something like this and- the floodgates open.
I wish I had seen my grandfather before his birthday, that year. I wish I had not listened to my father, gone behind his back and made a point of seeing my grandfather for February vacation. Instead I promised I'd do it for April vacation and my grandfather died in March.
Most of my biggest regrets are part of my childhood.
I wish our last conversation didn't consist of him thinking I was going to grow up to be in the porn industry. "I said photography, Grandpa." My mother tried to make me feel better by telling me that he was a perverted old man and it wasn't my fault if he didn't understand what I said. That worked until it became the last conversation I'd ever have with him.
If I could change one thing in my control though? It would be ever encouraging that one friendship. It would be ... staying through all that, no matter how many times I promised myself it wouldn't happen. I wanted to be a 'good' friend, I wanted to give a second, third, fourth chance... I never wanted to be the one to shut the door. And I wasn't.
I actually hate that more than anything. In hindsight I wish I could say I was the one that ended it. I wish I had the guts, the self-control, to say "you know what? I don't need this anymore. You need to leave me alone." But for all the letters I wrote it in, not one of them did I ever send... because I never wanted to be the hurtful person.
That was my biggest mistake through all of that, and any time I'd ever doubted it... It was proven to me all over again, when I'd least expect it.
God, there are so many things. I really don't think there's anything I want to change that badly and then I stop to consider an answer for something like this and- the floodgates open.
I wish I had seen my grandfather before his birthday, that year. I wish I had not listened to my father, gone behind his back and made a point of seeing my grandfather for February vacation. Instead I promised I'd do it for April vacation and my grandfather died in March.
Most of my biggest regrets are part of my childhood.
I wish our last conversation didn't consist of him thinking I was going to grow up to be in the porn industry. "I said photography, Grandpa." My mother tried to make me feel better by telling me that he was a perverted old man and it wasn't my fault if he didn't understand what I said. That worked until it became the last conversation I'd ever have with him.
If I could change one thing in my control though? It would be ever encouraging that one friendship. It would be ... staying through all that, no matter how many times I promised myself it wouldn't happen. I wanted to be a 'good' friend, I wanted to give a second, third, fourth chance... I never wanted to be the one to shut the door. And I wasn't.
I actually hate that more than anything. In hindsight I wish I could say I was the one that ended it. I wish I had the guts, the self-control, to say "you know what? I don't need this anymore. You need to leave me alone." But for all the letters I wrote it in, not one of them did I ever send... because I never wanted to be the hurtful person.
That was my biggest mistake through all of that, and any time I'd ever doubted it... It was proven to me all over again, when I'd least expect it.
