We're just learning how to smile, and that's not e

Tommy's mother died on August 25th. Three days before his birthday.


Another funeral/memorial service I made Keenan bend over backwards to give me off, and did not attend. I was invited, I know I was wanted there but I haven't forgotten high school. He thinks he's cleaned up, he told my mother he stopped drinking and doing drugs - and in that same day bought cough syrup (which he had quit last I spoked to him) and pot.

The memorial service was supposed to be a celebration of Linda's life. It was supposed to be a happy occassion, and knowing Tommy's habits and knowing Tommy's friends- I couldn't motivate myself to go, because I know drugs and alcohol had to have been involved and I would have sat alone, silent and uncomfortable while everyone else threw a party in memory of a woman who hated her son's drug and alcohol use.

I am sick over the fact that I didn't go, and couldn't even tell him. My internet went out that day and apparently his phone number didn't save in my phone from a few days ago. He didn't call me so I doubt that I was missed, but that's not really the point. I don't know what the point is anymore... All of my oldest friends are watching their parents die, and I know that happens to everyone eventually but this is ridiculous.

Working all day Thursday and all day Friday leaves me dead by Saturday, I'm so tired of my body dictating my life. I haven't even had the energy to RP lately... If I can motivate myself, I may add to this later in a locked entry. Those of you who aren't on LJ that want to know more, contact me.

Whoever is talking about me behind my back - and telling people that someone cheated on me who I was never actually romantically involved with needs to stop.

If you're reading this, I don't know what the hell you're saying or what you meant to do with your words, but I have never claimed any relationship with this person that supposedly 'cheated' on me. I've made our relationship very clear to anyone I've spoken to about this so I don't appreciate rumors being spread about me.

If you have something to say to me, you can tell me.


I just ended my night, my weekend- crying in a stranger's bathroom. If you're my friend you're not doing me any favors by whatever you're saying, and I really would like to clear this up. If you're not my friend than you really need to mind your own business, and do us both a favor - forget I exist.





In other news, I had a wonderful time at the convention. Rel, thank you so much for talking me into asking Jay to dance. I had such a great time this weekend, and I really feel like I owe it all to both of you. It's too bad I have to work at 7, or I really would have spent another night in Boston.

Maybe next time.

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..... *Cracks up*

I'm going crazy about music stuff so.

Music suggestions would also be awesome. I need to check my old journal for suggestions I never got around to getting.



*Goes to do that*



Also, if anyone wants anything I have or wants to send me something they have- just let me know.

I just said goodbye to .... my only actual in person, off the computer, live flesh and blood friend. He's going to London for a month, and I'm not sure he's ever left the state, nevermind the country alone.

Breathing. Okay.


I hate having to say goodbye to people when I don't actually see them leave, they just ... disappear. I hate it, it's one major flaw of the internet, you don't get to see people off. I'm very visual, very physical in that sense. When my brother left and we dropped him off at the airport it didn't bother me, I watched my mother and my sister sob and I was fine. When he left the night before he was leaving the second time. Disappeared to the void of my father's house and I could sit here and watch the clock and know, "Now is when he's sleeping. Now is when he's arriving at the airport. Now is when the plane takes off. Now is when he's probably landing." That shit destroys me.

I'm going to go back to pretending this doesn't bother me. Concern, especially for Antonio, ruins my cool indifferent image. Because ... everyone here that's seen me sob for months and melt down over nothing- you're all convinced I don't have emotions, right? Right?


The other thing I wanted to post about when I was here was that my brother changed the settings on my mom's computer so now everything is really tiny and far away looking on my desk top. He left a month ago, and I'm just noticing this now - can you tell how often I use that computer?

Also: Note to self. Moved Kip into Angel's cage, and Fucker into Kip's cage. Fed Fucker one large. Need to buy crickets for Kip.

Uhh, warning for potential medical TMI.
If talk about tubing and references to surgery or implants of some sort are going to be upsetting to you- ... probably avoid this entry.

For everyone else:

I hope it answers questions that anyone may have had.



So, when I got home I told my mother that my father wanted to know if I remembered the doctor saying that I could have outgrown the need for my shunt.

And my mom said, "Yeah, he said that but we brought you back several times and every time you had a check up they said that they wanted to continue monitoring you."

And if I didn't outgrow it by the time I was twelve, I'm never going to outgrow it, because um... I'm full grown. Yeah.



Thanks dad.

( I don't know why..... All I need. Is someone to save me. )


I don't want to bore people that don't care to read about it, so here are some links and summaries for anyone confused or otherwise interested. Yeah.


"This tube goes from the affected area of the brain, connects to a one-way valve which sits outside the skull, but beneath the skin, somewhere behind the ear. It then travels down the neck, and into either the abdominal cavity (most common), the pleural cavity (surrounding the lungs) (alternative), or into the atrium of the heart (quite rare). Enough tubing is left in the area it drains to, so that it can uncoil as the child grows."

Six feet of tubing. Six feet of tubing, and I'm not even five feet tall.
I gag every time I think about how there's coiled tubing just chilling in my body, needlessly.

( I'll never be what you want me to be.... )

"The shunt failure rate is also relatively high and it is not uncommon for patients to have multiple shunt revisions within their lifetime. By 2-3 years of age, approximately half of shunts that have been inserted have failed and been replaced."

This has never happened to me, so I can easily think that maybe it won't and I'll be a rare case that's okay.... and half think "Dear God, I'm twenty years overdue, this thing could fail at any minute."



It took my mother two days to have me, because the hydrocephalus wasn't detected before birth, and I almost died shortly after birth.

And again, several days later.


This is why I always answer "Most traumatic experience?" with "Being born." I'm not trying to be overdramatic and say that I wish I was never born. Logically, I think that's the worst ordeal I've ever been through, and nothing can really top knowing what my mother had to go through during that time... nevermind, me.


Technical shit, and a diagram. Because... that's entirely necessary.

Okay, I said I wasn't going to steal the End of the World meme just yet, because it seemed too much too fast. However, it's all the 'yay positive' about these memes that irks me. I feel like people are pressured to just churn out happy or encouraging things, when it's not necessary. So, I decided to use this one because... I felt more comfortable being able to modify it.


the ♥ 7 THINGS ♥ meme


I took out the link for this one, for two reasons.

One: They want usernames, and I could give a shit. If you want to anon, anon. Although names are preferred, because that's how it's supposed to be. And the two of you that keep posting Anonymous, I already know it's you. <3
Two: They want seven positive things, and I'm willing to take whatever. Under the condition that they're honest, instead.

Yeah.
So, there we have it.



-------------------------------------

And Lindsay, I hate to say I read your LJ-cut and couldn't even read the rest of your entry. But you mentioned that name (or hinted at doing so) and then... Sex. And my brain exploded.

Even if it wasn't a problem, on it's own, I would have avoided that entry like the plague.
Sorry.

"I'm waiting in fear for the day that you admit your feelings for some specific person."



It feels... Almost arrogant of me, to assume that this has any relation to a person having feelings for me. As I never really understood for sure, I can't say I will assume that.

But if it is the case-


( Even in death, love goes on... )

I've never done one of these before.

♡ the 『feel good』 anonymous meme ☆ﾐ



Everyone else, do it too.