Always has been you....

[miserywhip]

It's been awhile since I really updated this thing. I mean really, I think the only thing I posted was about Santo dying since April.

I've still been reading my f-list as frequently as I can. For those of you I don't keep in contact with- I use Google Chrome, and it has seriously been the worst thing to deal with over the past few weeks. I started RPing again and it is a challenge to keep myself active just because I don't have the motivation to deal with fighting with it whenever I want to get on LJ. Coming in once a week to check my f-list is one thing but being around enough to keep active and informed in RP? Yeah, this is really putting a damper on all that. I might hiatus for a bit on Monday, but I keep putting it off because I really don't want to.



Let's see. What's been new with me lately. Uh, I've been in a kind of slump recently, honestly. I get all gung-ho about these games and then once I start to get comfortable I start to get paranoid. Which is a really weird combination but... that's how I work apparently. I haven't had the motivation to do much, I have a whole list of things I should be working towards before this convention and it just takes all of my energy to keep my bills paid and get up for work every day. I mean, this is the kind of lack of energy that comes with not being able to comment to an LJ entry because of it's sheer overwhelming length.

My mom has us in these group counseling sessions to try to get communication working in the home. We've had a total of one meeting so far, and my sister wants nothing to do with it. But every time something happens that makes me feel like it has a place in those meetings I remind myself to write it down (and never do).

That thing I posted about awhile back having a melt down? I think it has been resolved. I'm still not allowed to talk about it, even though my mother discusses it with anyone capable of hearing but. The short of it is that my cousin's baby lives with my aunt now where she'll be taken care of. That whole nightmare happening alongside the Anthony trials really made me a difficult person to talk to because I think that woman should be put to death for her part in that child's disappearance. And I am heartless enough to say that I think my cousin should have to deal with the fullest extent of the law for whatever happened in her home, too.

We had inventory this week, which means two nights of scanning movies with no one to interact with and no stimulation so. Of course I had to stand there and think about things until I over-thought them into the ground. Which has really left me disconnected from the world because I did put a lot of thought into things that were never resolved, and even though they might have been (for me anyway) if only I'd been able to really work out my own feelings on it? It really never will be. Inventory always puts me into a really weird place emotionally, too much time on my hands.

My sleep schedule is all fucked up because of it, too - even for me. Normally I'd be in bed by now and I probably have at least two hours of sitting here to do so. We'll see when I can get that fixed. Luckily I don't open again any time soon.

Talking to someone about the difference between codependency and love tonight made me stop to think about things on another topic. Even though I kind of resolved it into the ground for myself during inventory, reminding myself of the promises I made over the years... this really hit home for me. Sometimes, no matter how dependent you are on one another, sometimes it's okay to say we're not healthy for each other and break away. Sometimes it is okay to just.... walk away. To move on, and leave. And that's okay too, because all of that unspoken shit that's bottled up? It's not going to see the surface anyway.

In closing, uh. The car broke down earlier this week. Bob's car, because we don't actually have one. Which limits how we're going to get around at all. With Charlie moving out in a few weeks I won't even have him to ask for help and I think this is really the start of our lives falling apart. Everything's going to change when my sister graduates high school - I've pretty much come to terms with that meaning that I'll probably be living in a shelter somewhere. Anyway, so the car broke down, the house is on the market and my mother has 'pet lady - reptiles' on the calendar for today. Which pretty much can only mean that someone's coming to get my snake and gecko. Yeah, about that communication stuff, mom. About that.....

Anyway. I think I'm starting to become depressed. Like back to that depression I wind up in when someone dies, and I don't know how to handle it. With the con coming up I'm supposed to be looking forward to, that I'm now only attending because I already paid for it- I just don't know what I'm doing with myself anymore.

I think I'm going to get into a relationship with someone that I don't actually have feelings for. I can't do anything to make myself happy anymore so maybe I can at least do something to make them happy. Eventually, I'm not even going to have that going for me, so might as well do it while I still can.

But ... yeah. This just spiraled into extreme negativity and I didn't even cover everything so. I'm going to stop there and spare anyone still reading this the trouble of having more to bother reading.

Comments

[dormantdrake.livejournal.com]

:( I can offer you internet hugs and the knowledge that I'm reading, just sorta distracted by the stuff going on in my own life (and I'm bad at commenting to begin with...).

Hope things get better, at least a little.

[chainofhabit.livejournal.com]

I've been trying to keep up with everything happening on your end too. Reading entries even though I don't often comment...

I actually got a betta a few months back, and I really wanted to ask you about that- since you seem to be even more into them than I am and there's so much contradiction on betta care. Just sort of pick your brain for anything you might know that I haven't already thought of...

but with everything going on it never seemed like the right time, so instead I ... never commented at all. But I appreciate the comment! Glad to see someone's reading, and I'm not just screaming into a void, you know.

[dormantdrake.livejournal.com]

No void, I'm just quiet (though I know the feeling; a bunch of quiet people reading my posts, too). It probably doesn't help much that when I remember to post I tend to go the way of TL;DR, but I do divide things into paragraphs and try to separate the subjects in the post, at least.

Feel free to pick my brain about Betta fish. I am very good at keeping them alive and happy (and playing, which you don't see often with most people's Betta's), so I figure I must be doing things right! (Actually, I've a fair bit of aquarium fish experience in general. They're not my preferred pets, but if it's fish or nothing I will have fish. Right now I have nothing, just because things are so very uncertain.)

You're welcome to contact me more directly, should you ever wish. For whatever reason.

[teeganjane.livejournal.com]

Oh psh. Vent away. Textually vomit all over your LiveJournal. It's *okay*. It's your journal, and I doubt anyone reading this is bothered by it. You're supposed to be able to purge out the negativity in your life via this website -- so use it as such. Don't think you need to pull punches because you think it's a bother for the rest of us to read through it, because it isn't. Your friends want to hear this stuff, so they can be there for you.

Anyway, inventory? Scanning movies all night? Ha ha, I used to work at Blockbuster, and (assuming that's where you work) I remember all night inventory very well. It was funny, I got hired at that location because everyone basically got fired except for three employees, so I was getting 60 hours a week for a month. Very grueling, but totally worth it money-wise.

I have trouble figuring out what I'm doing with myself too. I have a good job, but I don't have direction with my schooling, and this transition stuff is kind of the focus of everything at the moment. I want to move forward more with my education and life in general, but I know I need to be more happy with myself before I continue. Of course, my family just wants me to finish school already, but I can't commit hardcore yet. It's frustrating for them and it's frustrating for me. I wish I could just plow through it like they want me to. So, I'm in this holding pattern where I go day to day, paycheck to paycheck, work, then not work, then work, then not work...I feel like I need to do something more. The only thing that changes from week to week is, well, myself. I guess I'm making life progress. I just have to finish "me" first.

When I get depressed...well...I wish I could provide any answers, but that's the problem with depression: it's a completely subjective experience, and what works for one person and his or her own plethora of situations and variables doesn't work for another person, and so on, so forth, so when people give out silly general advice like "Oh, find some coping mechanisms!" or "Get more exercise!" it doesn't even seem like help at all, even if the good intention is there.

You've got the family therapy thing going for you...what about personal therapy, one-on-one? I've been seeing a therapist, and while I'm semi-indifferent towards it, my family is paying for it (now that I've come out to them, they seem to think I could use it, ha ha). She's a very nice person, my therapist, and it's actually semi-fun talking to her. It's rare finding a good one like this, though.

Depression doesn't last forever--it comes in spurts. Just find a way to break past this spurt, and you'll feel better soon. I don't know everything about your life, but I have a feeling you'll make it out of this. You sound like the kind of person that can overcome it.

[chainofhabit.livejournal.com]

My LJ notifications are all messed up so I don't know if you'll even see me responding to this so late but- thank you very much for the comment. I read it several times and tried to respond but as I said.... Long comments, hard to respond to.

I'll be honest and say that I didn't reread it just now so I wont really respond to anything to specific in it- sorry. Just wanted to let you know I did read it and it is appreciated as I never got around to responding to it.....

And yes, I do work at Blockbuster. Six years, now.

[straybunny.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking maybe getting into a relationship with someone you don't actually have feelings for doesn't have to be as bad as it sounds. I mean, it really depends on the person and how bad they can get about things they want if you don't, but... For me, it's hard to define what "having feelings for" is supposed to mean anyway, so maybe just trying to have some company can be a good thing. Although of course I have no real idea about your situation or any real experience to draw from.

[chainofhabit.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I... really care about this person but it's just. I don't know if we could ever work out?

And I think maybe I could find feelings some day, I mean statistically speaking arranged marriages last more often than 'romantic' ones - which people in successful arranged marriages will tell you is because they learned to love each other.

I tell anyone that wants to be in a relationship with me how I am, and if after that they're still willing? I don't really see the point in arguing. I've only ended one relationship I was in and it was entirely because we had an agreement about my discomfort with sex and they couldn't deal with that agreement anymore. Instead of breaking it off they manipulated me into doing things I didn't want to do and I eventually had to shut them out.

I guess I'm naive in that sense, if I say 'I don't do sex' and you say 'okay' I think you must really want to have something to do with me if you're willing to put that aside because of me. So, for me to say 'look I don't think I'd ever want to be physically involved with you, nothing personal. Just the way I am.' and them to say that it's still worth it to them... it just makes me feel like being with me is that important to me, so maybe it's worth trying.

When it's not worth it to them anymore they'll let me know, one way or another and we'll just go from there.