Hey, but you left me far behind....
Jul. 22nd, 2011 07:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
miserywhipI was briefly jealous when I made a friend who used the term 'Discarded' because I had never really thought of something so short and neat to identify myself with.
This morning I woke with a very long entry in mind. An entry that detailed a lot of things about the kind of person I am, and the type of friends I make. Of course, as I actually woke up I lost a large bulk of the beginning so I'll just stick with what I have for now.
I'm like a magnet to damaged people. I draw them in, I take their abuse, I live by their guidelines - their rules. They obsess over me, I become the most important, most trusted person (or one of) in their lives and they tell me everything. They vent to me their frustrations with other people, they reveal to me their secrets. As total strangers these people tell me things that they would never dream of telling their friends when I'm perfectly capable of going and telling their friends exactly what they've told me, because I know who those friends are. They know that they can trust me, and they cling to that.
I grow to love these people, I become attached to them and we form some sort of special bond. I take all their hits, I wait quietly for their return when they come and go as they please, I make myself readily available to them 24/7 - whether I'm working or sleeping, I don't take breaks.
I try to help them work through their issues - get them to trust other people, convince them that they will outgrow and get over whatever caused them to be this way. And when they do they will no longer need me. Of course no one ever wants to hear this, they always insist that they're not going to abandon me. After all they're the one that gets tossed aside in all of their relationships. I am not perfect, we may fight - I may cause some damage myself, the blind leading the blind usually does. I am patient though, and I stay and I come back despite whatever blows are cast at me. Despite whatever hurtful things are said to me, whatever hurtful things that trigger me are done - I endure for as long as they need me.
Then they stop talking to me, they go on with their own lives. They find someone that they can trust enough - someone even better for them than I am, someone less damaged. I am not going to say that they forget about me, because they don't seem to. They always come back on occassion - whether they miss me or have something to say, they always come back. Even if only briefly, even if only to tell me some important news. Most of the time after they disappear to live their own lives for awhile they come back to tell me about their relationship. About the person that they just love so much, who has come to mean more to them than I ever could. It's not comparable, these types of love - we're like family, I'm always there, I'm always supposed to be there. Like a blood relative on the other side of the country, this is romance. There's a difference.
Some of them wonder why we never got to that point, they ask me as if I can answer for their feelings. Why could I never love you? Some just tell me all of the things I did wrong following their guidelines, to be considered a suitable mate. It always makes me laugh, honestly. That people come to me when they're happy with someone else and try to hash out of me why I'm not that other person. They always insist that they're happy, that this person means the world to them and they make them happier and feel more loved than I ever could. So, then... Why question why it couldn't be me? Don't you know the answer, isn't that the answer right there?
I seem to absorb abuse and damage like a sponge though. They're happy, they're healthier than they've been since before we met - like a fresh start with this new person. Like they were cleansed of the damage, of the fears, paranoia and trust issues. No more knee jerk reactions to things, they're rational human beings now.
I'm still me, I still retain my own issues. On top of those I have new ones, trigger fears I developed trying to abide by the rules of the people I have been friends with. Rules I have to remember so I don't mess up again. It's like I take in their damage so that they can go off and live a normal life. And only when someone else comes around is it even clear.
Because 'Discarded' would never fit me. To me, to be discarded is to be cast aside - thrown away. And I'm generally not that. I'm only ever left behind. Which is the name I've secretly used for myself for over a decade now. Left behind, because I'm forgotten more than thrown away. I'm like a slip of paper that falls away and goes unnoticed as a person keeps walking. Later they might look for that slip of paper and wonder how they ever lost track of it. I'm like a pet that a well meaning family intends to go back for or pay to have shipped with them when they move and can't seem to make it work. I'm not intentionally put aside, it just .... seems to happen. And that's life in this day and age, so you can't really get mad over it- can you?
But then the next person comes along, and they pick up the sponge - and only then is it even noted that it's not clean.
Only when someone says look how much I care about you, and the only answer I can give is that I don't know if I can do this right now. Because I haven't had time to heal, I normally isolate myself and work out the damage and when I'm feeling refreshed enough to start again- then I can approach other people once more. I haven't secluded myself from everyone in a long time, the damage has just piggybacked onto each other and I think if one more person tries to wring out the sponge for their own use it's going to fall to tattered shreds.
I'm not actively healing someone right now, and I'm not taking a time out to cleanse myself. I don't even know who I am anymore.
This morning I woke with a very long entry in mind. An entry that detailed a lot of things about the kind of person I am, and the type of friends I make. Of course, as I actually woke up I lost a large bulk of the beginning so I'll just stick with what I have for now.
I'm like a magnet to damaged people. I draw them in, I take their abuse, I live by their guidelines - their rules. They obsess over me, I become the most important, most trusted person (or one of) in their lives and they tell me everything. They vent to me their frustrations with other people, they reveal to me their secrets. As total strangers these people tell me things that they would never dream of telling their friends when I'm perfectly capable of going and telling their friends exactly what they've told me, because I know who those friends are. They know that they can trust me, and they cling to that.
I grow to love these people, I become attached to them and we form some sort of special bond. I take all their hits, I wait quietly for their return when they come and go as they please, I make myself readily available to them 24/7 - whether I'm working or sleeping, I don't take breaks.
I try to help them work through their issues - get them to trust other people, convince them that they will outgrow and get over whatever caused them to be this way. And when they do they will no longer need me. Of course no one ever wants to hear this, they always insist that they're not going to abandon me. After all they're the one that gets tossed aside in all of their relationships. I am not perfect, we may fight - I may cause some damage myself, the blind leading the blind usually does. I am patient though, and I stay and I come back despite whatever blows are cast at me. Despite whatever hurtful things are said to me, whatever hurtful things that trigger me are done - I endure for as long as they need me.
Then they stop talking to me, they go on with their own lives. They find someone that they can trust enough - someone even better for them than I am, someone less damaged. I am not going to say that they forget about me, because they don't seem to. They always come back on occassion - whether they miss me or have something to say, they always come back. Even if only briefly, even if only to tell me some important news. Most of the time after they disappear to live their own lives for awhile they come back to tell me about their relationship. About the person that they just love so much, who has come to mean more to them than I ever could. It's not comparable, these types of love - we're like family, I'm always there, I'm always supposed to be there. Like a blood relative on the other side of the country, this is romance. There's a difference.
Some of them wonder why we never got to that point, they ask me as if I can answer for their feelings. Why could I never love you? Some just tell me all of the things I did wrong following their guidelines, to be considered a suitable mate. It always makes me laugh, honestly. That people come to me when they're happy with someone else and try to hash out of me why I'm not that other person. They always insist that they're happy, that this person means the world to them and they make them happier and feel more loved than I ever could. So, then... Why question why it couldn't be me? Don't you know the answer, isn't that the answer right there?
I seem to absorb abuse and damage like a sponge though. They're happy, they're healthier than they've been since before we met - like a fresh start with this new person. Like they were cleansed of the damage, of the fears, paranoia and trust issues. No more knee jerk reactions to things, they're rational human beings now.
I'm still me, I still retain my own issues. On top of those I have new ones, trigger fears I developed trying to abide by the rules of the people I have been friends with. Rules I have to remember so I don't mess up again. It's like I take in their damage so that they can go off and live a normal life. And only when someone else comes around is it even clear.
Because 'Discarded' would never fit me. To me, to be discarded is to be cast aside - thrown away. And I'm generally not that. I'm only ever left behind. Which is the name I've secretly used for myself for over a decade now. Left behind, because I'm forgotten more than thrown away. I'm like a slip of paper that falls away and goes unnoticed as a person keeps walking. Later they might look for that slip of paper and wonder how they ever lost track of it. I'm like a pet that a well meaning family intends to go back for or pay to have shipped with them when they move and can't seem to make it work. I'm not intentionally put aside, it just .... seems to happen. And that's life in this day and age, so you can't really get mad over it- can you?
But then the next person comes along, and they pick up the sponge - and only then is it even noted that it's not clean.
Only when someone says look how much I care about you, and the only answer I can give is that I don't know if I can do this right now. Because I haven't had time to heal, I normally isolate myself and work out the damage and when I'm feeling refreshed enough to start again- then I can approach other people once more. I haven't secluded myself from everyone in a long time, the damage has just piggybacked onto each other and I think if one more person tries to wring out the sponge for their own use it's going to fall to tattered shreds.
I'm not actively healing someone right now, and I'm not taking a time out to cleanse myself. I don't even know who I am anymore.
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no subject
Date: 2011-07-23 06:51 am (UTC)And anyway, you're a snowball. Cool, fluffy and a great weapon against stupid people. That totally makes sense, don't even doubt it.
no subject
Date: 2011-07-27 02:59 am (UTC)and you're jealous.