We're just learning how to smile, and that's not e

Hey guys.

It's been awhile since I really updated this thing. I mean really, I think the only thing I posted was about Santo dying since April.

I've still been reading my f-list as frequently as I can. For those of you I don't keep in contact with- I use Google Chrome, and it has seriously been the worst thing to deal with over the past few weeks. I started RPing again and it is a challenge to keep myself active just because I don't have the motivation to deal with fighting with it whenever I want to get on LJ. Coming in once a week to check my f-list is one thing but being around enough to keep active and informed in RP? Yeah, this is really putting a damper on all that. I might hiatus for a bit on Monday, but I keep putting it off because I really don't want to.

( This got .... really miserable, so feel free to skip it. )

[Error: unknown template qotd]

God, there are so many things. I really don't think there's anything I want to change that badly and then I stop to consider an answer for something like this and- the floodgates open.

I wish I had seen my grandfather before his birthday, that year. I wish I had not listened to my father, gone behind his back and made a point of seeing my grandfather for February vacation. Instead I promised I'd do it for April vacation and my grandfather died in March.

Most of my biggest regrets are part of my childhood.

I wish our last conversation didn't consist of him thinking I was going to grow up to be in the porn industry. "I said photography, Grandpa." My mother tried to make me feel better by telling me that he was a perverted old man and it wasn't my fault if he didn't understand what I said. That worked until it became the last conversation I'd ever have with him.

If I could change one thing in my control though? It would be ever encouraging that one friendship. It would be ... staying through all that, no matter how many times I promised myself it wouldn't happen. I wanted to be a 'good' friend, I wanted to give a second, third, fourth chance... I never wanted to be the one to shut the door. And I wasn't.

I actually hate that more than anything. In hindsight I wish I could say I was the one that ended it. I wish I had the guts, the self-control, to say "you know what? I don't need this anymore. You need to leave me alone." But for all the letters I wrote it in, not one of them did I ever send... because I never wanted to be the hurtful person.

That was my biggest mistake through all of that, and any time I'd ever doubted it... It was proven to me all over again, when I'd least expect it.

Last night I was in so much shock, I wasn't really thinking.


( When they know they're your heart, and you know you were their armour )


Sam, I need to talk to you when you get a chance if you can IM me when you're on.

I offered to look over a fic for a friend of mine. A friend who is capable of reading this actually, and I hope she doesn't mind the semi-abstract mention... It's always kind of amazed me the way her writing has made me reflect on my own life, made me think about things that have happened - or are happening to me.

This isn't really about her writing, it's about- what it made me think about this time, like nearly every time I ever read anything even remotely like this. It's kind of funny how so many people have that one love, the one person they don't resent finding happiness with someone else. Because their happiness is more important, because being compatible isn't even a chance. Whether because of sexuality, relationship status, location... whatever the reason.

There's that one person, that as long as they're happy- we can get by. Because their happiness is what matters, and nothing else.


( So here's my letter to you. )

This post has been updated.

I forgot about it for so long I've actually accomplished a number of things on it since the last update.


Cosplay update .... sometime after I eat and finish going through old entries.

[Error: unknown template qotd]



I'm actually in the middle of debating changing it right now - but a username generally has to be two things for me to want it. 1. It has to reflect on either me, as a whole. Or the time period for which the journal was used. and 2. it should generally be lyrics or a song title. Which means more often than not, the popular ones are taken.

I really like this one, I think it reflects on me well - I like that I found lyrics from that song to use again since it is the name of my last journal as well. I already mentioned why I was considering leaving this journal so I don't think I need to explain that again.

I was actually really surprised that this name was still open when I made this journal.

Hard to say what got my attention.
I won't let this build up inside of me...



And just to avoid making another post in the same five minute period.


I suppose I should make a brief warning since I have a few new people reading now, but- I guess you could say I have a bit of an obsession with death.

I like to recognize anniversaries of deaths in my family, or the birthday of a lost family member - whether people or animals. I might not post on the same day every year, I think everyone knows I get a little crazy and withdrawn on March 3rd but I believe today is actually a lesser known date.

But- if that sort of thing is going to bother you, I do have a 'death' tag for any time I make mention of a passing so you can avoid those posts if you want. It will usually just be a quick note, dates and a quick 'happy birthday' or 'I miss you' type message. Sometimes, it's a bit lengthy and more involved though... kind of like tonight.


May 27, 1914 - October 11, 2002


Why is it that high school feels closer to two years ago than the six that it really was?

( Columbus Day weekend and Dan's visiting again. This time brought here because of a death instead of delayed in arriving because of one. )

I still haven't properly digested the information around Jon's death, to really post about it. Which might have something to do with me dwelling on and processing a loss I never really did this for despite it being eight years now.

( but here's some rambling about current events... )

but- yeah. 6:30 am... Time for bed before I never shut up.