We're just learning how to smile, and that's not e

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Normally, I don't believe in changing your past. Even hypothetically - the past is what makes the present, and without everything I went through to get here today, I wouldn't be here today, and I'm ... actually pretty happy with where I am right now.

( Cut for a little TL;DR. )

I've mostly stopped using my mom's computer and just stuck with dealing with whatever music the radio has been playing.

Lately, though I've been kind of desperate for the music that helped me get by, last year at this time. And the year before it.

So, I've become a little obsessed with youtube again. I kind of want to make some playlists, but I have nothing to put them on so it would defeat the purpose until I could get a decent MP3 player or my phone to work...


At least if I start making lists I'll know what I want to put on them, when I can.

Even if by then it's June 2012... which it might be.

I'm going crazy about music stuff so.

Music suggestions would also be awesome. I need to check my old journal for suggestions I never got around to getting.



*Goes to do that*



Also, if anyone wants anything I have or wants to send me something they have- just let me know.

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This is the dumbest Writer's Block ever, and I'm embarrassed to have read it and instantly thought, "My mother." I can just see Orion now, calling her going, "Grandma, when are you coming home?" Just like Denise does.

He learned from the best.

In other news. ( Our daily Aquarius horoscope, because I have no life. )

These things really have ... no right cracking me up, as much as they do.

And mine:

The Moon's return to your sign and her opposition with talkative Mercury are clear indicators that you will let others know exactly what you're feeling today. But your words may provoke a higher volume of emotional response than you expect. The more you try to explain yourself, the worse it could get as domineering Pluto stimulates conflict rather than understanding. Instead of changing anyone else's mind now, yours will be the only one within your sphere of influence.



... Wait, today? That basically describes my entire life. I don't know why I even open my mouth most of the time.

In other news, I think I'm going to start commenting people with my other account, again. I have paid time and 100+ icons over there until August, and these icons are fine for entries but suck for commenting. So, I might as well use the paid time I have there for something, right?

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The Grand Canyon. I think about being there constantly... I'd kill to be able to move out there, seriously.

Another complication can occur when CSF drains more rapidly than it is produced by the choroid plexus, causing symptoms -listlessness, severe headaches, irritability, light sensitivity, auditory hyperesthesia (sound sensitivity), nausea, vomiting, dizziness, vertigo, migraines, seizures, a change in personality, weakness in the arms or legs, strabismus, and double vision - to appear when the patient is vertical. If the patient lies down, the symptoms usually vanish in a short amount of time.

Sounds like my life.

God, Panera you were supposed to give me fucking health insurance. Now I have to wait to apply for Masshealth again.



Oh, and this cracks me up. "Pediatric hydrocephalus may also be a heritable condition, and mainly affects males."

Since my mother told me that saying I don't want kids because of medical and genetic history was basically me making up excuses because my doctor told her that hydrocephalus isn't heritable, it's a fluke thing that just ... happened.

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Some variation of put me down and feed me. From ... all of them. They hate me.


Although with Orion, it might be when my mom asks a question and I say I already did it. "That's a lie!"

Okay, so - good news. bad news.

My phone is really ridiculously fast, apparently. Good news, I wasn't really late this morning. Bad news. I had to stay like ten minutes longer than I expected to, so I was there for like 55 minutes instead of 45, which isn't a big deal at normal jobs. but when you're a crossing guard, standing outside in the freezing cold and only get paid for those 45 minutes.... yeah, ten minutes over isn't a big deal when you're working four or more hours. Most people come into those jobs fifteen minutes early anyway, but if you're fifteen minutes over on a crossing post, that's a full third of your shift more that you worked, that you're not getting paid for. It's all relative okay.

Good news. Called the vet. Got in on a recheck, $42.00. There are three thyroid tests. Good news, Orion has already taken one, and that one's been ruled out. Good news, one of the tests is $98.50. I can afford that. Assuming they don't throw any random curve balls at me. Bad news, the last, full and complete test is $251.00. A regular check up is $63.00, I don't know if they'd charge me a regular check up or a recheck to come in a third time and take the third test .... you know, in three months, when I can afford it. Bad news, this doesn't even touch on the possibility that it's not thyroid, but neurological, instead.

She asked which pet this was for, and I said Orion should be the only one on file. She asked about Sheba. Because I took Sheba in for an emergency visit in February of '08 when her gum swelled, which tells me that I did not get a reminder a year later for her to get another check up. She was given a physical while we were there, too but I guess that never made it into the paperwork. Nor did I get a physical reminder for Orion that year. I asked if I needed to inform them of her passing officially, mentioning that Orion came in shortly after and his vet was told. Her answer was that no, no - I'm not obligated to inform them, but she wanted to close her file so I don't get any reminders in the mail that I don't want to deal with. This conversation is a reminder. And those cute little 'you're due for a check up' post cards haven't been showing up in the past two years, so I think I'm covered on the whole ... not needing to deal with reminders.

I should just be grateful that it proved the point I've been trying to make since last August. Notifications haven't been coming, and they are still supposed to be. but, oh well whatever.

Assuming I don't die Thursday from working all Wednesday night, I'm going to sleep the entire day and be wide awake by 10 am Friday morning so that Orion can go to the vet. My life is so exciting.

This isn't even like ... take Orion to the vet to get his symptoms checked out. This is ... take Orion to the vet to get a test done that may or may not come back positive and may or may not be the issue, even if it does come back positive. I spent all night last night thinking about how a brain tumor might explain why he randomly bites me for petting his forehead - something I've done for six years, without incident before now.



I'm ... sure there's more, but I'm just not in the mood right now.


Also, I took a nap last night from 9:30 to midnight, and have been up ever since. So. Coherency ... may not be a strength, at the moment.